What a wonderful day that would be if you could make it through one entire workday without the temptation to strangle the guy [or girl] in the next cubicle, right?
How can you go on working with these people who drive you batty on a daily basis? Luckily for you, I have all the answers to help you regain your sanity and leave the anxiety for the significantly smaller irritants in life.
The one who talks loudly
This is the guy who can’t keep his voice down whether he yaks on the phone with his proctologist or blows your hair back from point-blank range as he blusters on about his weekend at the lake on his friend’s gold-plated yacht. The solution to this one is easy. Bring a gong to the office. Every time that hot airbag opens his mouth, bang that gong until he goes away.
Okay seriously, headphones should do the trick, for you, not him. [If you gave that guy headphones, his decibel level would hit the red zone.]
The one who coughs all the time
This also goes for the hummer, the Whistler, the throat clearer, the sniffler, the mumbler, the heavy sigher, the tongue clicker and the coffee slurper. The first time the offender offends, scream, “OMG! You scared me!” The second time it happens, yell out and slap a hammer down hard on your desk. Say, “Holy Moly that startled me!” Keep this up until the offender stops or asks to be moved elsewhere. Or, you could try headphones again; it’s purely up to you.
The one with the smelly fish
Nothing stinks up the kitchen and the office like a reheated seafood buffet. Should any clueless coworker have the audacity to bring in such a noxious lunch, say something like, “ohhh fuckkkk! Who farted? Did someone fart?” Trust me, you’ll be the hero of the office for simply expressing what everyone else is thinking but doesn’t have the nerve to say.
The one who never replaces things
This is the lazy woman, probably the freckled sandal-wearer in Human Resources, who leaves one square of toilet paper on the roll instead of replacing it. She is the same person who leaves two sips of coffee in the pot and doesn’t make more. She undoubtedly does this at home. Therefore, the answer to this problem is to call her husband and inquire as to what he does to put a stop to such selfish behavior.
The one who flosses everything
What is it with people ejecting or flicking small bits from their body onto your desk or in your hair? I’m even willing to assign this example to a woman because, gender equality. Now, if she flosses at her desk, I have two words for you: mosquito netting.
However, if she flosses over your shoulder—which has happened to someone I know, and the offender was a guy—actually, now that I think of it, the same two words apply.
Now for the real solution to the above problems
In all due seriousness, let’s consider the fact that many governments don’t have the resources to feed and shelter these mentally ill people; they are left in the cruel harsh world to fend for themselves and they are trying, God, bless them, at least they have jobs.
For your own sanity and well-being, you must find a way to relieve your stress over the toenail clipper and the coffee sipper and the let-it-ripper. Especially if it’s the same person, Campaign with your boss to move desks. The campaign to work from home. Get your boss to sympathize by campaigning to switch desks with him or her personally. This will put your boss in your shoes for a second, maybe enough so that he will try to help you, after a quick gag reflex because he has his own issues with tooth crevice jam.
So take a deep breath and remember that your annoying coworkers are not as evolved or self-aware as you are. Have some compassion for our less fortunate brothers [and sisters] that can’t help them.
Treat your work relationships like a marriage, where you are stuck with these nose-picking, space-invading people for the unforeseeable future. Find ways to cope, whether it’s wearing headphones or purging on Facebook.
You can’t control the behavior of your coworkers, but you can choose how you respond to it. Writing it down can heal your pain or at least get it off your chest and make you feel better. Why does all this stuff get on your last nerve, anyway? It’s not like you’re so flawless either, you know. Maybe you’re the one with the problem, complaining all the time, did you ever think of that?